When I first sat down to write about the ideas of Dr. Murray Bowen and Edwin Friedman that changed my life I knew it was because I ran all their ideas through the filter of Scripture, but I didn’t know how to explain that.
My first thought was to write a list of principles similar to Charlotte Mason’s Twenty Educational Principles. That seemed to help. A friend suggested I begin expounding on each principle so here I am. This is a deep dive into Self-Differentiation Principle Nine:
Family projection describes the primary way parents transmit their emotional problems to their child. The projection process follows three steps:
the parents feels afraid that something is wrong with the child
the parent interprets the child’s behavior as confirming that fear
the parent then treats the child as if something is really wrong
The Cycle of Fear
This entire cycle begins with fear. It can occur multiple times a day. The cycle of feeling, confirming, and then treating someone based off of the original fear can become a habit. It can become so ingrained that parents don’t even realize they’ve made a choice. But they have. They’ve chosen to agree with a new perspective about reality.
As parents we can feel a spike of terror about the smallest infraction, the tiniest event. Listen as I go down the rabbit hole…
Exhibit A might be the way my child holds a pencil. Suddenly the courtroom of my soul comes alive. My mental lawyers start whirring into action. Debates go on for days. Witnesses are called up from my memory. My heart vows to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth as it sits wringing its hands.
And the jury? Well, the jury nods when one lawyer rationally explains that we need to investigate. We need proof.
So I watch, and I wait, and give into temptation by pulling out extra coloring books and worksheets just to see if… oh no! There it is again! All is lost!!
I might notice how my child walks, reads, laughs, sits, talks, writes, plays, sings and then immediately worry that because of Exhibit A my child might not fit in, might not be able, might not succeed, might not be healthy, might not be strong, might not be normal, might not be good, might not be enough, might not be RIGHT.
There is definitely something wrong with the way my child holds his pencil. What should I do?!?! I go in search of other witnesses, other experts who can help me think through the case. Maybe they’ll be able to refute the damning evidence I’ve seen.
Maybe they’ll calmly provide proof that my child won’t be sentenced to life without parole. Their child made it “out” of wrongness after only a three year minimum! I beg them to give me some recourse, some way to deal with this horror.
Anxiety grows faster than kudzu, it pricks and sticks worse than goatheads.
People who do not have a relationship with Christ have to find ways to ignore, manage or distract themselves from these fears.
As a Christian I do not.
I can address the habit of anxiety head on.
I personally had to repent of this behavior. I had to repent from participating in a mental and emotional direction that did not align with Scripture. I walked in accordance with my fear instead of in accordance with faith.
But how is a parent to know the truth? Our fears can sound so reasonable. That little whisper of doubt threads its way through our life and greets us again and again with rational arguments, with probable perspectives. How can we stand against it?
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor 10:5
Demolish?
When you research scripture using Bible Gateway there’s a little link at the bottom of every verse which says, “in all English translations” and this link just so happens to be one of my favorite buttons to click in the whole wide world.
The AMP says, “We are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ,”
I love that.
Prayer
Before we act, we need to pray, we need to abide in the Word.
We pray because we know that God exists, that He rewards those who diligently seek Him, that He loves us, that He wants a relationship with who we are right now, that He listens to us, that He is ever responsive to our cry to Him through the Blood of Christ Jesus.
That’s what was purchased for us, the right to stand in the Presence of God and not be utterly destroyed by His majesty and holiness. (1 Peter 1:18-19, Acts 20:28, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Ephesians 1:7, Hebrews 10:19)
So the very first thing to do is to immediately ask the Lord to give us eyes to see our child the way He sees our child, to give us truth about the situation, clarity, love, power, and a sound mind. Then, I thank Him for that because that’s what He promised to give me.
I don’t fall into the habit of taking my own counsel.
I don’t listen to my own “reasonable” mental lawyers. Instead, I surrender the entire case, the exhibit, the investigation, the witness, the jury, all of it, over to Christ Jesus. I pray and give Him control of the court.
The Confirmation
It’s ok to be afraid when you encounter something new in the middle of your walk. It’s not ok to veer off sideways into the valley of despair and start treating your children differently because you saw something that frightened you.
Something might be really, seriously wrong with my child; the interpretation of the situation I have might be absolutely correct.
OR
My assessment might be entirely founded on fear; the logical conclusion I’ve reached could be utterly erroneous.
OR
My discernment is true but only in part; my awareness is off-kilter, only slightly correct.
BUT
Regardless, my path to discovering the truth can now begin from a place of peace which surpasses all understanding instead of being motivated by fear.
I can rest in the knowledge FIRST that God knows my child better than I ever will and that He has ordained the steps my child will follow. I can rest in the Scripture that confirms His love for me and my child. I don’t have to walk in fear. I can ask Him to confirm the truth for me and provide me with understanding. (1 Cor 2:9, Jer 29:11)
I can be calm and full of faith that God will answer me in a way that I can understand, that He will help me navigate the situation, that He will never leave me. Instead of prioritizing my own confirmation of events or an expert’s confirmation, I can choose to give the situation to God first.
I might very well need a bunch of people to help me but they don’t come first.
FIRST I ask Him to clean and clarify my mind as I go about considering the implications of what has happened.
I can ask Him to confirm the steps He wants me to take and give me peace to walk according to His will. And I can keep on praying until my cry becomes a praise of thankfulness, in the knowledge that He is with me and has never left me.
I can praise Him for being a God who patiently explains the landscape despite my myopic understanding of reality.
That way leads to peace.
The Treatment
What if you treated fear as a warning sign that court is in session and immediately prayed to put your “courtroom” in order?
What if you treated your children as if God was ultimately responsible for their growth, not you?
What if you surrendered every judgment you’ve made in your little mental court of understanding about your children and sent it further up, higher in, to the Ultimate Judge who sees much more than you?
This idea has such far-reaching implications I can’t possibly go into all of them here.
What if you saw people the way God sees them and then treated them in accordance with that vision?
It might change everything. It might be like seeing the kingdom of God.
Let’s invert the entire thing and change it to this:
Family blessing describes the primary way parents transmit their emotional stability to their child. The blessing process follows three steps:
the parents feels that something is wrong with the child so they pray to see it with clarity
the parent receives wisdom to see themselves, their child, and the situation from a heavenly perspective
the parent then acts in accordance with the Spirit of God